My family recently left a high control religious group in a very splashy way…fortunately, everything that happened afterwards proved that we were correct in leaving in such a vocal way.
The group that we left was one that I had been a part of since I was one year old (except for a period in my early 20’s when I kind of wandered around). And it was one that my husband married into. And it was one that all of my children were born into, and that was one of the reasons that we stayed for so long.
But then I had a breakthrough which destroyed everything I thought I knew about the “good men” who ran the organization. A woman called me, a woman who was keenly aware of two sexual predators (who had been shuffled around the globe for 25 years!) who had received “shelter and protection” from the top leaders in the international group of “disciples” of this ecumenical group. She had proof, she had data, and she had conviction.
I call it a breakthrough moment because the conversation confirmed what had been only rumors for many years, that the approach to helping victims of abuse in this group of communities was no better than the response that the Catholic Church had given to the tens of thousands of victims of sexual abuse and assault and coercion (or the response of the Southern Baptist Convention, for that matter). I had heard hushed conversations about “problem people” in our own local community, but nothing directly from a victim…not until after we left, that is.
What “triggered” ex-community folks from four different states to share with me their own painful stories, was my exit from the community with my family. Their disclosures were helped along by a podcast on which I was interviewed, describing our family’s exit from the community (including the initial response to our expectation that our local elders would “do something about it”). We were assured that they would look into it, and they seemed upset and alarmed that such a thing would have gone on so long. We came to find out that our elders just decided to update their own child protection policies and procedures and …that’s it. No call to the “celibate” brotherhood that the two predators germinated in. No call to the elders in Michigan to demand answers as to how this could happen. No outrage at the victims being stalled in their attempts to get answers from the leaders. No action items, really, at all.
And so, we had no choice but to leave three years later, and to sound the alarm.
Having processed through the loss of a community of other believers, having stood our ground and prayed and wept and yelled and telling our story to whomever would listen, we were left alone and in silence.
And in that silence, we were born anew. We were FULLY awakened to the plight of the downtrodden, the abused, the neglected, the manipulated. We had been awake before, but now we were “woke”, according to the way I understand woke is used in both complimentary and insulting ways. We cared more about others than we cared about our own discomfort, and we ACTED on that concern.
We deconstructed from community life, and in the deconstruction, found HOPE. We leaned in with our friends outside of community, we let ourselves be ministered to in the sacraments at our parish, and we talked to each other. We talked and talked (and cried), we felt every loss, we mourned every person who decided to cut us off due to our exit, we went to therapy, we loved each other well, and we grieved. We grieved the friends we left behind, the connections we had to sacrifice, our innocence, our expectations, and the future in community that we had looked forward to.
Part of that deconstruction involved leaning in with our four children (now aged 25, 22, 20 and 16) and asking them to describe what they thought the benefits and costs had been within community. We apologized for any instance in which we had chosen community over their best interests. We left the possibility open for them to address this topic with us at any time.
The other part of the deconstruction was more angst-inducing. We sifted through community teachings on marriage and parenting (after discovering that most of the teachings were written by single men with no children!). We backtracked to previous conversations with community leaders and realized how many times we had been placated, blocked, or offered obfuscation when seeking clarity. We realized how many teachings involved flawed theology, or “culture wars” rhetoric which is so popular in evangelical circles. We looked at the teachings of our denomination and juxtaposed them against the community teachings. We read books and listened to podcasts by folks in various stages of deconstruction, and engaged our critical thinking skills.
We realized that we had been living in an ivory tower and looking out the window for decades, instead of serving others and spreading the gospel with our ACTIONS and our LOVE. We were bamboozled until we weren’t. And that’s on us…we should have been paying attention.
We finally walked out of the mansion of Christian superiority and into the fresh air.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/covenant-community-kids/id1573373790?i=1000611211101
yes, so true!
shesabadmother 