In this, I am a hypocrite

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     So, yeah.  Somedays I do well, loving others and not letting my mouth get away from me.  And sometimes I. AM. A. Hot Mess!  I am emotional, passionate, hot-headed, opinionated and smackable on my worst days.  If I am to be honest, there are things that set me off or set the stage for my Hot Mess Mama days:  extreme heat, extreme cold, PMS, being rushed, feeling dismissed or disrespected, not eating healthy foods for a few days.  I’m like those pullback toy cars that a kid pushes backwards on the ground a few times, and then: LET ‘ER RIP! 

     In the moment, I feel justified in letting my emotions run away with me.  Especially if there is a legitimate, offensive thing that is said to me, that shouldn’t have been said; or done, that shouldn’t have been done.  In the moment, I feel like a super-hero swooping in to save myself.  BANG!  CRASH!  POW!  And verbally, I walk away dusting my hands off afterwards, thinking – they totally deserved that. 

     The problem is: I am a child of Christ.  I should be acting like Him when I am offended or when I feel hurt; I should simply say something that is soft, direct and loving, and then walk away.  I shouldn’t engage the other person in verbal sparring, as if they are my enemy.  I shouldn’t stay on the phone (or, help us all, on TEXT) for fifteen, twenty minutes in order to prove my point.  I should respond like Jesus (Luke 14:3) when he heals a man with dropsy (edema typically occurring in the feet or legs):  “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath, or not?”  And later: “If one of you has a son that falls into a well on the Sabbath…will you not immediately pull him out?”  These questions were meant to direct the Pharisees back to the point: that to operate from LOVE should be our goal.

     I am eagerly looking for Jesus to help me, heal me, fix me, soothe me, challenge me, and comfort me.  To show me how to not be a hypocrite.  To be a good P.R. person for Christianity.

     I am hoping that He will pull me from the well of my own self-righteousness, anger, need to be “right” or justified, or to selfishly win an argument.  I am hoping that each little discovery of where I need to be “tweaked” in order to be closer to God, will drive me towards Jesus and His answers.  I am seeing that each foray into Scripture mystically leads me towards answers that I need to wrestle with – like Jacob wrestling the angel (Genesis 32:24-30). 

     I am examining my conscience, to see where the work needs to be done; to be a critical examiner of my own motivations – and the consequences of my inadequacies in this area; do I look TOWARDS Jesus and take a quick inhale before I respond; do I use loving words to address hard issues, or is the verbal sparring something that I use to indulge my selfish whims?

     Jesus, reach down into the well and save me!  And self – my self – get out of your own way!




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